Loud and Clear

The Lord has taught us so much and blessed us so richly through our children, the ups and the downs.  But I’m only human, and sometimes I just get down.  About little things.  About it all.  The other night was one of those nights.  The reality that hit hard, bringing my head low, is that I have been a mother for almost four years now… and I have yet to be called “Mommy.” 

All day each and every day, I work, kiss, strive, love, fail, and rejoice as Mommy.  But how I long to hear my name.  Deep down yearning.  The name I have come to embody, the name that gives my life so much meaning. 

There have been moments few and far between where a “ma” or m-sound is uttered.  And yet as the time wears on, I want to be certain— completely sure they are referencing me before shouting it from the rooftops.  This is one of the struggles of a parent with a child with special needs (and for all of us in a world that doesn’t cut us many breaks.  So many have second-guessed us, doubted what we say our child can do or what we say he will do.  Consequently, we feel we need proof, hard evidence, or we believe we are simply crazy, making up things and giving into wishful thinking.  And at times, I fall back into that trap I so despise, not claiming a reality until it has been proven over and over again.

As I sat there, head low, the Lord poured truth into that deep down Mommy space.  The truth is that I am.  I simply am Mommy.  That fact doesn’t change, with or without that English word bouncing off a mouth and into my ears.   It was as though the Lord was both encouraging me and convicting me: “It is the same with me!  I simply am your Lord and your Savior, whether you acknowledge that or not.  My role doesn’t change.  My pursuit of you remains.  My love abides.  On your good days or on your bad ones, you don’t define me.  I am Lord.”

The Lord doesn’t change, just as in a much smaller way I am 100% Mommy to these precious children I have the privilege to steward. 

For now, my boys call me “Mommy” with their eyes.  And it is loud and clear.  I pray I’ll do the same for my Lord, with my eyes, with my voice, with all that I am.