Tuesday, January 23, 2018

A 9 Year Old Warrior and a 6 Year Old's Faith

John turned nine years old on Sunday.  It is hard to believe he is nine but possibly even harder to believe that Meade and I have been parenting for over nine years now!   In her book Bird by Bird, Anne Lamott quips, “When a child comes out of your body, it arrives with about a fifth of your brain clutched in its little hand.”  So, if you do the math, that would leave me with zero brain.  Try not to laugh too hard! 

We always miss John’s twin, Warren, but January 21st can be particularly challenging.  The Lord graciously provides in that it usually works out that John has something fun to do with a friend, another family, teacher or therapist on his special day— with amazing people who adore him and who do not carry the same mixed emotions we carry into John’s birthday.

This year John’s beloved “K/Caties” (Katie, his devoted physical therapist of 5 years, and Catie, his former teacher and dear friend) planned an entire day to take John to the Georgia Aquarium.  They were so thoughtful and wanted to make sure he had his communication device and his best chair, which required them to take our handicap van.  As an aside, my grandfathers passed away a little over a year ago (on the same day – January 12, 2017), and one of them left his handicap van to John.  The timing was perfect and not something we could have anticipated, as you always imagine these next steps to be a ways off.  What a blessing it has been!   Anyway, you can see that John had an absolute blast on his birthday.  Thank you Catie and Katie!!

 Next, we want to thank you for your faithful prayers and for checking up on John since his procedure last Tuesday.  I also have a cute story to share following the medical update.  I am sorry I haven’t been able to share many details.  It is a slightly sensitive matter in that this procedure is still experimental.  We have been following the work of a premier medical institution for over seven years hoping John would eventually qualify for one of its clinical trials. Over the years, we have seen that this procedure is completely safe for children with cerebral palsy and that many trial participants have had positive outcomes, some gaining speech and significant motor function.  However, John has yet to qualify for the trials for various reasons. 

We still hold out hope that at some point John will get this treatment through a federally funded trial, but in the meantime we were able to find a way to privately access this treatment.  Even better, we were able to do this locally with no subsequent down time for John (we have known several families who have had to travel outside the country for similar treatments).  It consisted of a simple IV transfusion that lasted about twenty minutes.  John was so brave and kept his chin up; he truly is a warrior, the most inspiring one we know.  We were so grateful to have this opportunity, even if it amounts to nothing.  It could take several months to see if there is any improvement.  Regardless of the outcome, we know John is worth it, and we hope he always knows that we will never give up.  Feel free to email me if you want a short blurb with a few more specifics.  Thank you for your continued prayers!

Now for the cute story. Prior to the procedure, we were explaining as best we could to the boys what was going to happen to John.  We encouraged them to pray for John, and we would all take turns.  We explained that we were praying the procedure would even help John talk and walk.  As you know, it was delayed on Tuesday, so I ended up being the only one with John when it actually took place, and Meade was with the other three boys (they had a big time at the park, Home Depot and Mellow Mushroom).  Over pizza, Daniel piped up, “Daddy, I hope John talks and walks!” 

It would be several hours before John and I made it home.  I came in wondering where Daniel was, and Meade reported that Daniel had said he was tired and had put himself to bed (something that has never happened in his 6.5 years of life).  However, after a few minutes, Daniel quietly came downstairs and started studying John.  I greeted him but he kept his eyes fixed on John, expectantly saying, “I want to see John talk.”  I was confused at first, but then realized that this precious child with his simple yet profound, take it at face value faith trusted that the Lord would use this treatment and our prayers to heal John.  He fully believed he would come downstairs to finally hear his brother speak.  I held him close, told him how sweet that was, and explained that this procedure was hopefully part of the healing but that it would probably take some time; I encouraged him to keep praying as all miracles aren’t instantaneous.  Daniel quickly slipped back into bed, having accepted my explanation but not realizing what an impact his childlike faith made on Meade and me that night.  Is that not a precious and pure picture of how God made us to be and how He wants us to be, even after life has knocked us around a bit (or a lot)? 

I may have lost some of that pure and instinctual trust, but my heart resonated with my son last Tuesday night.  My spirit quickened as I recognized a quality I desire to possess.  That is how I want to approach my Abba Daddy who calls me his beloved.  I want to trust that He has the very best in mind for me, that His ways bring life, and that He has the power to bring it all to pass.  

“For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, Abba, Father.’ The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children.  Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.”
-Romans 8:14-17

By the way, this little cutie Andrew turned 4 on the 9th!  
We sure love you, buddy!

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Procedure Update

We are home, and John did so well with his procedure this afternoon!  It happened around 3:30 pm, and besides having a few extra pokes to get good IV access, all went well!  He is a trooper for sure!  We were grateful for this opportunity and are praying for miraculous results in the weeks and months to come.  I hope I can fill you in on more of the details soon.  For now, thank you for your prayers, words of encouragement, and support!
John was so positive and such a good sport!
Meanwhile, Meade and the other boys had a big time at Home Depot!

Procedure moved to this afternoon!

Wanted you all to have the update that John's procedure was delayed, but we should be all set for this afternoon.  Thank you for continuing to pray for John and our family!  We will send an update when we can.  (Please scroll down for yesterday's post or click here.)

Monday, January 15, 2018

When the Bible Pours Salt in the Wound

Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely…  If I go up to the heavens, you are there;  if I make my bed in the depths, you are there…  For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
-Psalm 139: 4, 8, 13-14

There are different scripture passages I have struggled with since the twins’ birth, Warren’s death, and in light of John’s chronic struggles.  A minister at our church tackled one of these passages on Sunday: Psalm 139.   This is the kind of passage that gives you warm fuzzies pre-pain or pre-disability but can add insult to injury or create confusion post-pain. 

On the one hand, we are encouraged by the sentiment of being fearfully and wonderfully made, of being uniquely knit together in our mothers’ wombs, known intimately, and that God is always with us no matter what.  But then there is the rub.  Was John (or others with serious congenital problems) also fearfully and wonderfully made?  Did God knit him together in this specific way, becoming the cause of his pain and struggles?  Is He the reason my son cannot sit independently or feed himself, let alone walk or talk?  Jesus healed so many, even brought individuals back from the dead.  Why has His full healing touch not fallen on my son?  Is he (and are we as a family) not as loved or as chosen as others?

I have found that these questions, and how we view suffering in general, fuel a heated and specific debate within the faith community.  What does God cause versus allow?  When is God to blame rather than simply blaming our broken world?  Some assign credit to God but in a way that draws security and meaning from trusting God wanted a person to be born a certain way or come across a certain illness or struggle in his lifetime.  I find some Christians promote or even demand this view of God’s sovereign involvement, the notion that God, of course, orchestrated every single aspect of how someone was “knit together” and that He planned certain struggles in order to point people to Himself. 

If you fall in this camp, you gain more comfort believing God is in control of the struggles than in believing God did NOT cause these struggles. I call this “the everything happens for a reason” camp.  Those in the other camp are horrified at the idea that a good God could be responsible for such deep pain and suffering.  Instead, they believe we are responsible as sinful human beings, Satan is responsible, and/or our fallen world is responsible (going back to Adam and Eve and original sin), depending on each individual scenario.  You can find Scriptures to support both views, at least at first glance, and perhaps at final glance as well.

I tend to fall in the second camp, believing that while God is all-powerful and is intimately involved in our lives, He is not the source of our pain and suffering.  Instead, He came to take away all pain and suffering and reconcile our hearts to His, which is why He sent His Son Jesus into the world.  In a broken world due to Adam and Eve’s rebellion, we needed a Savior to usher in God’s redemptive and healing work.  God did not give up on us, just as we are called not to give up on Him even as we await the full consummation of His restorative plan.

There is SO much more to say on this (we haven’t even touched on the fact that God created time and is outside of and over time, while we as humans operate in linear time with limited understanding…), but I knew the timing of yesterday’s sermon on Psalm 139 was significant seeing that John is having a big procedure this Tuesday morning.  After all these years on the cerebral palsy journey, new treatments like this one bring these types of questions to the forefront of my mind and heart. And with those questions come all the emotions, hopes, dreams, fears, and the balance of praying with bold faith versus guarding my heart and not getting my hopes up for fear my mama’s heart and faith in God would not survive another blow. 

Even though I may doubt from time to time or find myself disappointed in God’s ways or simply in what He allows, as I sat in church yesterday, I realized my heart’s inclination is to trust, to find solutions, and to have a passage make sense in light of God’s goodness and not merely in light of our pain. 

As for John and this passage, we inhabit the tension.  John is both fearfully and wonderfully made and is also someone, like all of us, whose body has been affected by the fallen nature of this world.  God loves and intimately knows each one of us; part of this is His knowledge that our bodies, in their current state, are frail best understood as “dust” or “grass.” We will all age and die.  God also knows we are His beloved masterpieces created to do good and wonderful things (Ephesians 2:10) while also being frail and feeble when it comes to our attempts to uphold morality, justice, compassion, and love.  And yet with God, there is hope for our many failures because “even darkness is as light to Him” (Psalm 139:12). 

And so we carry on.  We pray for light to shine in our dark places.  With our limited understanding, we pray for John’s healing in this life and for God’s hand on the treatment he will receive tomorrow morning.  His Kingdom come and will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.

The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.
-1 Samuel 16:7